Not to People Like Us - Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages

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Early warning signs | Did you know? | The upscale abused woman | The upscale batterer

PROFILE OF EARLY WARNING SIGNS OF UPSCALE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
©Dr. Susan Weitzman

There are many aspects to this profile; here is an initial and partial list. For a more detailed list, see Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages.

Upscale violence has some features similar to any type of domestic abuse and some unique to this group. Here are some examples:

The man dominates the woman verbally, criticizing and belittling her, throwing her off balance or causing her to doubt her own worth and abilities.

He makes all plans, neither inquiring as to the woman's desires nor gathering input from her.

He alone sets the sexual pace, initiating all contacts and rejecting any of the woman's sexual approaches.

He makes most of the decisions about the future and announces them to the woman instead of including her in planning and decision-making. He refuses to compromise on major decisions.

He is moody, making it difficult for the woman to predict what the next encounter with him will be like.

He demands control over the woman's contacts with friends, family, and/or finances.

He publicly humiliates the woman. This sometimes began as "put-down" humor, but rather than apologizing, he urges her to "Get a thicker skin!" or "Lighten up!" when she protests.

He has an uncontrolled temper or unprecipitated anger at others.

He is highly critical of the woman.

For a more complete list of early warning signs , refer to Appendix D in Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages (Basic Books, 2000. ISBN: 0-465-09073-7, $ 26.00)

Did you know?

One out of two women will experience domestic abuse at least once in the course of their marriage.

4 million American women are seriously assaulted by their intimate partner each year.

65% of emergency room visits by women are for injuries sustained during domestic violence.

One of every three abused children becomes an adult abuser or victim.

More women are killed by their partners than by muggings, rapes and auto accidents combined.

Domestic violence claims the lives of four women each day.

Approximately 75% of abuse homicide victims are killed after they leave their abuser.

50% of all homeless women and children in the U.S are fleeing domestic violence.

Each year, an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence by family members against their mothers or female caretakers.

When children are killed during a domestic dispute, 90% are under age 10; 56% are under age 2.

There are 1,500 shelters for battered women in the United States and 3,800 animal shelters.

60% of violent homes where the female partner is beaten so are the children.

50% of female homicides are committed by the man who said "Until death do us part".

88% of victims of domestic violence fatalities had a documented history of physical abuse.

The average prison sentence of men who kill their female partners is 2 to 6 years.

Women who kill their partners are, on average, sentenced to 15 years.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44.

75% of all 911 calls are domestic abuse calls.

The loss in productivity due to absenteeism, employee turnover and health care expenses from domestic violence costs U.S corporations between $3 and $5 billion annually.

Despite these sobering statistics, domestic violence remains the most common, yet least reported, crime in the U.S. Domestic violence is a growing national problem requiring focused assistance from the public and private sectors.

PROFILE OF THE UPSCALE ABUSED WOMAN
©Dr. Susan Weitzman

There are many aspects to this profile; here is an initial and partial list. For a more detailed list, see Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages.

No prior personal exposure or experience of domestic abuse either in her family of origin or her peer group.

Used to being successful at endeavors "making things happen." A go-getter, she is self sufficient, highly resourceful, successful at surmounting highly unfavorable conditions.

Tries to single-handedly "fix" the abuse in her marriage/relationship.

Feels great shame about her husband's abusive behaviors as well as her inability to make things better/right.

Believes the myth that domestic abuse "doesn't happen to people like us."

Isolates from others as she fears being disbelieved/ostracized from her peer group and family.

Often is disbelieved or overlooked by helping professionals and other law enforcement and legal professionals.

Feels alone and trapped by her own privilege.

For a more complete list of traits of the abused woman, refer to Appendix B in Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages (Basic Books, 2000. ISBN: 0-465-09073-7, $ 26.00)

PROFILE OF THE UPSCALE BATTERER
©Dr. Susan Weitzman

There are many aspects to this profile; here is an initial and partial list. For a more detailed list, see Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages.

No honeymoon period after an abusive episode: And this is very distinct to my study, because what has been found prior to this has always been that after a violent episode, the man always does his best to win the woman back. That's always been found in studies of lower-income batterers. Almost all of the women I've worked with did not report such a honeymoon period. In other words, the men feel no regret, remorse - no need to apologize. They in fact feel like the wronged one.

The man believes he is "special" and "above the law" (entitled): He tends to blame his wife for any mishap or bad feelings he may feel about himself. He has a grandiose sense of self-importance and the kind of treatment he deserves. He also believes that he has the power and leverage to "get away" with a lot. Unfortunately, this is often true. He uses his money and power as a leverage or threat to keep his wife in the marriage or to win legal battles which are often frivolous and meritless (these can include vicious custody suits).

He is charming but interpersonally exploitative.

He is self-absorbed and lacks empathy for others.

He needs to be in control of others in every situation.

He requires excessive admiration and recognition: His demands about how his wife should look or behave are not necessarily clear, and usually impossible to meet.

For a more complete list of traits of the upscale batterer, refer to Appendix C in Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages (Basic Books, 2000. ISBN: 0-465-09073-7, $ 26.00)

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